About a year ago I was sitting in my corner spot on the couch in the Anderson Family living room, the kids had gone to bed and Alexis was walking in from the kitchen so we could continue our marathon watching of some TV show: Veronica Mars, Parenthood, Gilmore Girls… or something like that. As she handed me a cup of coffee I said “I think I’m gaining weight by the minute.”

Obviously that’s a complete exaggeration [See Jennie, I can admit to exaggerating sometimes.] but when you feel that way it doesn’t make it less true. I’ve struggled with my weight my whole life and it’s held me back in a lot of ways. One of those ways is pictures.

In middle and high school I was always the photographer and never the photographed, that was intentional. I was uncomfortable in my own skin and avoided coming out from behind the camera at all costs… and the 5 times in my teen years I made it in front of the camera there’s a sticker over my face in any prints.

There’s no way to properly describe what it was like for all those years thinking about how uncomfortable I was, but last fall when I started gaining weight by the minute I decided to make some changes. Those changes have resulted in the loss of 43 pounds.

I don’t want this blog post to come off with me sounding like if you’re 43lbs over weight you should hate yourself and never be in front of the camera. That’s not true. Since starting my business I’ve forced myself to be in front of the camera several times and looking back I am so grateful to have those images. But when I got home from the east coast 3 weeks ago and I started looking through my images and Jennie’s images I cried. I’m still crying.

For the first time in my entire 26 and a half years there are pictures of me and I’m not deleting them.

For the first time it actually looks like I was present on a trip not just photographing everyone else.

For the first time I actually wanted to be present.
The last morning of our trip I wanted to make sure we took some photos in our neighborhood before we left for the airport. I said, “Let’s just go out on the street for 20 minutes.” 20 minutes ended up turning in to an hour. This apartment is what we called home for 5 days.Jennie cried the whole time.I swear, I can take pictures that are in focus. Trust me, I’m a professional. ;]We walked by this tree every day.Usually when I’m in pictures they’re “selfie” hold the camera/cell phone waaaaay up high to eliminate any double chin action pictures. Who is this girl? Thank you, Jennie. ♥I can probably count the number of pictures I have WITH Alexis on one hand. When Jennie turned the camera around and showed me the picture above I almost started crying.When I look back and remember this trip it’s so much more important to me than remembering that fun time we had walking through Manhattan, taking the subway or photographing a beautiful wedding. It’s one of those defining life moments when I realized I’m allowed to be ok with who I am.