I’m kind of a control freak. I like my email inbox to be organized, I like to get places ungodly early, I need a map, and a solid plan, and I always drive. It’s not so much that I want to be in charge, I just need to know everything is under control. But it seems like every summer the control I try so hard to hold on to gets stripped away and I’m forced to find something in myself I didn’t know was there. This summer is no different.

I’ve always blogged more for me than anyone else, I’ve spent the morning going back and reading old blog posts because I like being able to remember where I’ve come from so I’m going to be honest, this summer was the first time I thought about quitting photography. Not quitting because I’m not good enough, I hold that anthem near and dear to my heart ;], but quitting because that would be easier. I looked at people my age and all I could think was, wow it would be easier to go to the movies on a Sunday night instead of working into the night scheduling blog posts for the week, easier to take an afternoon nap instead of culling 4000+ wedding images, easier to not work 3 jobs, and I would be rich if I wasn’t saving every penny to afford the 5D Mark III and new L-series lenses.

My heart hurt because I was so tired I couldn’t even remember what I loved anymore.

On June 1, 2012 it is written in my planner “put in 2 weeks notice” at my day job. The control freak in me needed a date and that seemed perfect, right before wedding season was in full swing but I’d still have a steady income for half the year. Perfect. But June 1st came and went and I was too afraid to quit.

Isn’t it funny how I was so willing to hold on to the one thing I hated and let go of my dream?

When people would ask me about quitting my response was always, “I’m waiting to feel at peace about it, I want God to tell me it’s time to quit.” You know, the super spiritual answer. But in reality I was avoiding God like crazy. I was scared to lose the stability of direct deposit and I didn’t want God to tell me to let it go. So a month went by and I was miserable, exhausted beyond belief, creatively and emotionally drained and even though I was desperately trying to keep my grasp on “control” everything was crashing down around me. [That may be a tad bit dramatic, but I was incredibly overwhelmed.]

It took all of 5 minutes of me being back on speaking terms with my Creator to hear Him gently ask, “Do you think I’ve brought you this far to leave you? Do you think you can’t be vulnerable with me? Do you think I won’t take care of you?”

Today is my last day at the library. I started working there when I was a teenager, and on my 25th birthday I signed my resignation, it was quite the present, and as of 5:30pm I will officially be a full time photographer. I’m terrified, and excited, and incredibly thankful for the journey that God is about to take me on. It’s definitely going to be interesting!

To my clients who are waiting for emails, discs, galleries… everything, thank you so much for your patience. This is your week, I promise it’s all on it’s way.